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I’ve come a long way since that day. Since you. And when you used to tell me that I would, I would fight to death to tell you that I would not learn a single thing. For once you were the rational voice, we switched roles and I became you, and you became, only temporarily, a version of me. That was the effect of being united and moulded into one person, rather than two. We became each other, but unfortunately it was not a good mix, as we could never stay caught up and our pages were never in order.
Today was a beautiful day, I enjoyed the sunshine and the recognition of how my life has changed since you. You used to tell me that my life would be better, that I would be happier and I would cry my heart out to tell you that there wouldn’t be one day that passed where I would not yearn for you. We were both right. I told you that losing you meant I lost the biggest part of me and that I would not be the same. And this still holds true. I am happy yes, I have less stress, I am no longer a mess. But there is never a day that goes by where I don’t think of you, love you, miss you, wish for you. Whether or not I think it’s right or wrong is not the point I’m getting at.
All I’m saying is, since you and after you I have been changed. I have been happier and I have been angrier and I have been more sad. Both before and after. So what difference does it make? I am not delusional, I know that people see the change, and I feel it myself. But as humans, sometimes were really good at hiding what we really want and think, even from ourselves. It’s called the unconsious. What happens when it begins to seep into the consious? This. Right now. This blog. These feelings.
Mixed pages in a story both happy and sad, all over the place, out of order, up and down. Everything has changed since you. I can’t say for the good or for the bad. All I know is, I miss you my dear, whether you’re mine or not. Whether I’m happy or not. And if I could, I would, just for a night. That is, even well knowing the risks. But even saying that, I would not dare be the first to offer the chance.
What has happened to me since you. .
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I fear many things. I fear dying, I fear pain, I fear loss, I fear heart break, I fear death, I fear failure, I fear unfaithfulness, I fear divorce, I fear wrong choices, actions, words, I fear tragedy, pregnancy, abortion and miscarriage. I fear lost souls, sinister people, I fear society and what it’s become, I fear for the future for my future children.
I fear never being able to experience our kind of love ever again. I fear that it was a one time rare beauty of a dream. A tease of what is loosely scattered in the world, that everyone so desperately wants, dreams, aches, or searches for. I fear that I lost my love soul mate and that I will never have it again. I fear that we will be strangers forever, memories faded, love forgotten.
Words over dinner and wine, thoughtfully spoken, careful reflection and contemplation of answers and ambiguities unknown. It’s so rare, it truly is. You’re so lucky, you really are. It’s so hard, it always will be. This I know. What I don’t know is, will I ever be able to feel that way again? It’s hard to compare known things to unknown things. But even then, people can sympathize. The sympathy pains me more. It always does, I suppose because my thoughts, fears, and my pain is real, confirmed, validated, understood, known.
I’m too tired to write more. Too much noise in my head to express true thoughts and feelings. I wish I could say more but my mind shut off. Ahh, these things I slowly learn and experience myself; what it was like to be in your shoes.
“dad has cancer.”
my sister messaged me, calmly and coolly. What the fuck? I thought. She didn’t say anything else, left me in a panicked state as I was on the new “sky train” like bus in my city. I truly felt I was in another place. I hate when people do that. Message something that I clearly need to know more info on but instead say the shortest amount of words possible. Then I have to ask 94358783475 questions. This was the wrong time to use this method of communication. I tried to hold back tears while asking every single thing that popped into my grief-stricken mind. I got to work and sat in silence. My mind overworking I searched up everything I could about it. One of the most rarest brain cancers out there. They know nothing about it and there is nothing they can do. My dad was too stubborn to go to the doctors, b/c he says, doctors don’t know shit, and in this case, of course he’s right.
My sister came shortly after to the store, and was acting just as calm and cool as her message was. I knew her better than that, she’s awful with emotions when it comes to death. This was her defense mechanism. But b/c she was calm I was calm and so I tried my best to play her game, knowing it would help her. Didn’t last long, an acquaintance came over to show support, not someone in a million years that I would have expected to be the first person there. My sister broke down crying and I stood there trying my hardest to stop my tears. I held it in because I didn’t know what else to do. The evening came and we went to my parents house, as usual things were not talked about. My family doesn’t talk about feelings, and does not show emotions, especially my dad. So things went on as “normal” but the tension and awkwardness was crisp in the air. My father left the room and as me and my sister were leaving my brother began to ask questions. Typical, ignore it all till the last second. My sister, now more composed since she was able to let it out earlier, said everything with the same calmness as before.
My brother did his best to hold it all in, nodded with every word, looked to the ground, looked around the room, avoided eye contact. He was fighting the tears like I was before. I felt his pain. My eldest sister came into the room and sat there on the computer as if she wasn’t paying attention. Her defence mechanism. She was intently listening, breaking away her stare at the screen every once in a while. I broke down. This was so dysfunctional. We should have been there for each other, not silently struggling all in the same room. My dad came back into the room and my sister hushed me and told me to hide. “Don’t let dad see you cry”. I sat in the porch taking deep breaths, trying to quiet my sobs. I heard them whisper “I think it finally hit her”. My mom went to take out the trash and saw me there and gave me a look like, “are you okay? Don’t let you dad see you. What’s wrong? I don’t know how to comfort you or help you. I feel awkward,” all without saying a word. Those looks always made me feel more like shit. I don’t know why.
My brother watching me from the living room sauntered over and tried to be supportive. Again, another surprise in this wrecked situation. He raised his arm to comfort me and I clung to his legs, wanting him to hug me, I sobbed harder, but before my brother could bend down to hug me, he turned around to divert attention from my dad walking in my direction. I couldn’t handle bottling it up anymore. I walked out of the house “bye dad” I called out. I heard my brother whisper “you got to get her out of here, she’s lost it.”
When my sister told my dad the news earlier in the day, he said nothing. He looked down at the ground and was silent. As they were leaving the doctors he finally asked “so what now?” My sister said “nothing”. They went out to get groceries & she told my dad to go ahead, she’d wait in the car. She was crying too hard to notice when my dad had come out & that he was standing there staring at her from the front of the supermarket. When they got home, my sister told my mom and she said there was nothing that could be done. We were not given a timeline and so all we could do was try to make everyday enjoyable for my father. I hate that I don’t know, as morbid as it sounds, it makes everything much more anxiety provoking, for me anyways. My mom nodded her head and walked away in silence.
The theme seems to be silence. My sister said that we have to be strong for my father and I get that, but that doesn’t mean that we all ignore our fears and our worries. Every night I feel this pain, heavy burden and I can’t really cry because I feel like I’m not allowed. I had to get it out, it was consuming me. None of this seems real. So what was the outcome of the drive home with my sister?
Silence.
I hear my screams in my head. It’s loud.
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wheretheryeiscaught asked: im going through the same as you, thinking on how can the other person move on without a scar and that life for him is in happiness. the pain of know this, and not being about to forget, can you give me any advise?
It’s taken me probably about 45 min of sitting here thinking about how to answer this question in the best way possible. When people gave me advice it mostly made me angry b/c they simplified it like it would pass easily, but it most definitely won’t. No matter how hard you try.
With that being said, all I could conjure up to give you hope is that:
I hope that helps, sorry that it’s a story long but I couldn’t sum it up in a sentence without it making me angry, thinking that it was useless words. I wish you happiness sooner than later!
I tell myself I’m going to be okay, cause even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.
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Where you just sit there and wonder about everything that ever happened. The good and the bad. You’re having flash backs about the people that meant so much to you. You wonder about the things they’ve ever said and done. It feels so good, and hurts so bad all at once.
Sometimes it comes out of nowhere, when I am happy and smiling, laughing, carefree, it doesn’t matter. It just comes. It just hits. My tears fall and I weep, a mournful deep setting stream of tears. When it hits, it’s a longing, distant hurt, like the waves off a shore somewhere across the world. The effect is pain still, but subdued after the distance and time the wave has travelled. It hits you only softly, but still firmly.
I’ve seemed to be able distinguish between the different types of crying in myself, different levels and dimensions. So many ways that I never knew before, before you. A feeling I don’t know how to describe or how to even accept. It comes and goes, but when it hits, it hurts. A different kind.
I don’t know if I have any new revelations or if I even have the same old story to say anymore. Perhaps, that’s why I just don’t say anything to anyone about it. But, that doesn’t mean I don’t feel it, or think about it. Silence can mean many things.
I have been enlightened a lot, solid facts, that you couldn’t give me, explanations for reasons you didn’t even know. It feels good to exhale. Sigh of relief and sadness. I finally reached the point that I always wanted to be at. That I worked so hard for both of us to end up at, bittersweet melancholy happiness. I don’t know about you, and your level of emotions, but I’ve been better at not worrying about it anymore.
I feel more at peace, more centered, more whole again. That being said I miss you, missing you insane, but if I got with you, would it be the same? I feel guilty that I couldn’t uphold you, me, us. But, even the strong get weak, after so long. I needed you to lend a hand and you weren’t able to. I understand that now without the baggage of emotions being tied to it. I think that is what is keeping me grounded because sometimes I still float off in memories, and daydreams, and sometimes I get buried by hurt, anger, disgust, resentment. But then I stop. I stop and think before I feel. And then I let it all go.
I’m better at catching myself now, I can stop mid-tear and stand tall and smile. You once upon a time gave me the greatest gift of life, and that was a wholesome, beautiful, dream like love that I always wished for.. that I stopped believing in. I do thank you for that. That’s what I really meant, when I choked out, ”Thanks for the good times I guess…. “. I feel many burdens lifted so I can say it much more eloquently now, not that it matters.
Looks like I suppressed more feelings than I thought.
Why is that?
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Cause when we’re good, we’re great
I once said. And that line could never sum up our life, love and existence together. But this line stuck with us through everything we went through. Only we knew the true power and emotion and passion behind it. Even though you’re gone, this still holds true. And we both know it.
Today, was a celebration of life, a year of life to be exact, of a little, sweet, precious boy, known as my nephew. I can’t believe that much time has past! I feel guilty that I wasn’t around enough, just goes to show how much I was wrapped up in this life I had with him. Engulfed, held at ransom, in a alternate universe.
So here I am sitting at my nephew’s birthday party, secluding myself from familiar faces, because I don’t really want to face anyone. I don’t want to make the small talk and I don’t want people to continuously ask me the question they already know the answer to. I feel their beady eyes on me even when my back is to them. I avoid eye contact and sit facing the kids. I’ve already gotten asked enough yesterday, I just want to keep quiet. I see their curiousness but they don’t need to know, I don’t need to keep re-hashing my life story, I do that to myself all the time. They aren’t interested in how I truly feel anyways, they just want to know the details. People like to hear other’s drama, hear the gossip, that’s all.
It’s pretty obvious because he’s not there, like he would of been. It’s obvious it’s fresh because of the way I carry myself. Brave face. But they know. I wasn’t particularly sad but my stride was a little empty. It was a gorgeous wonderful day out, and a great occasion. But, the empty chair beside me, and not having your arms around me, not having someone to lean on and smile with and laugh with and eat with, it was just so obvious. Soft sadness in a time of happiness. When people used to ask me about you when we were together I would grin and laugh and talk of you. Now I just wouldn’t be able to face it.
These kinds of things are hard, I keep thinking of how the day would of played out if you were still here. I wonder if it’s the same for you. The day was too beautiful to be sad though. Now the night comes, and I try to keep that mentality. Writing in here doesn’t help, but I don’t want these ignored feelings to build up tonight, just to have endless tears fall before I sleep. Lately, something has gotten into me, and the extremness of my feelings are hitting me hard like a ton of bricks. I don’t understand it. Must be the seasons changing… that always gets me. You just know that time is still moving forward with or without you.. More time has passed without them, another season adds up to years. Maybe it’s the fear. And the memories.
Others say they’re glad you’re gone and because of it I’m free to live, free to focus on my goals, free to be me, free to be happy. I get angry for a milisecond in defense, but then try to acknowledge that, indeed it could be true.
Still. I miss you.
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